5am incident

[Warning: this post contains graphic information that may not be appropriate for all audiences. Proceed with caution.]

This morning I handled Jack's 5am feeding by myself to give Lelaine a break and allow her to try to get more continuous sleep.

Before he eats we wake him up and check his diaper. Diapers are now pretty high tech and the ones we have for him have a yellow line on it. When they get need to be changed, the yellow line turns to blue. I noticed that the line was mostly yellow, but there was a very small smidgen of blue. Trying to be a good parent, I figured I would go ahead and change his diaper.

I took off the diaper and noticed it was very mildly soiled. I reached for the baby wipes and was almost done cleaning him up when something horrible happened. With me holding his legs up in the air with one hand and his butt six or so inches up off the changing pad, something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that moment forward.

Poop flew everywhere. I don't know how such a small butt can shoot something out with such force. I don't just mean it got on the changing pad and dresser on which the changing table sits. He also managed to hit the hamper, diaper genie (ironic), wall, hardwood floor, carpet, apnea monitor, apnea monitor bag, and straps to the apnea monitor bag. Oh, and my arm was hit as well.

Sleep deprived, the only thing I could do was start laughing hysterically. This woke up Lelaine, nullifying the entire reason why I was doing the 5am feeding (the previous two nights we have taken turns with the two middle of night feedings - to give her a break I had volunteered to do both feedings last night).

Since he wasn't wearing a diaper for his surprise attack, it was very easy to clean him up. I did so and put him in the crib, which didn't appear to be muddied, and got some cleaning supplies. Lelaine came into the room and as I reentered with supplies in hand, she noticed something amazing. There was poop near the door. His butt wasn't facing the door. Almost like the Warren Commission's magic bullet theory, somehow he managed to project poop in impossible angles. Lelaine and I should recreate it in a video like Jerry does when Kramer and Newman claim that Keith Hernandez's "magic loogie" hit both of them (which I have liberally borrowed from in some sentences of this post). Although in this case, while the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of the account, I witnessed the Jack attack and sadly know it occurred.

To give you a sense of the crime scene, here is a floor plan of the room.  Jack was on the dresser/changing table with his butt pointing due east (if the top were north). The area within the dashed lines is where most of the pollution was directed (the major affected area).  But take a look at the dashed lines at the bottom near the crib - he also shot shit over there! Amazing.